Stealth Toilet: Target Acquired

I meant to blog about this fearsome item for quite a while, but I've waited so long that we no longer need fear. The local bar where I found this particular porcelain fixture in deepest, darkest, ray-gobbling black is now closed. What's the big idea, hey? How are you supposed to see this frickin' thing even when the lights are on? And heaven help you if you miss, because you're going home alone tonight. (Probably.)


Anyway, this location is now occupied by an establishment that offers "Japanese comfort food". We have no actionable intel on the bathroom fixtures (or the "comfort food", for that matter, although your blogger is a long-time fan of omelettes stuffed with fried rice). Here's hoping that they've got some of the fancy, high-tech commodes for which our foreign friends are well known. Stay tuned for visuals. Sayonara for now!

Your hoohah is beautiful!

Thanks to Phantasmaphile for this link--gorgeous, flower-shaped porcelain bathroom fixtures by San Francisco artist, Clark Sorenson. Click here for flower toilets.

I believe the artist's aim is an effect known among the ancient Greeks as antiprosopopoeia, or the depiction of a human as an inanimate object. Plainly he's trying to comment on likeness of these beautiful, bud-like toilets and your own hoohah by placing them in a spacial juxtaposition.

Or maybe it's semiprosopopoeia, since it's just a part of the human.

On the other hand, this might be regular prosopopoeia, since it's really a toilet posing as a flower. Whatever it is, it's prosogymnasmata, and that's for damn sure.

What the hell do I know? Two things only: that your private parts are like flowers, and how to fix a darn toilet.

But please, be careful not to slip and fall on the urinal shown above. Looks dangerous...

Seeking Corporate Sponsorship!

Hi, everybody. I'm sorry I haven't blogged about fixing a toilet lately. I really intended to write exclusively about fixing toilets, but to my surprise, there aren't many toilet issues cropping up lately.

In the meantime, I fixed the backstage slop sink at the Access on Monday night. I thought I'd take a moment to appreciate two special plumbing goodies: teflon tape and silicone adhesive. Anyway, the drain pipe was leaking and, upon closer inspection, I noticed that the 1 5/8" nut that attaches the drain to the tail piece had a bad fit.

Now there's nothing like teflon tape for fixing a problem like this. You just take a good length of tape, wrap it around the pipe threads in a contrary direction to the tightening of the nut, and even a poorly fitting nut becomes watertight.

Unfortunately, the tool room was a mess and I couldn't find any tape. Instead, I found a caulking gun with a tube of silicone adhesive. This works just as well as the teflon tape, but it's just a little messier. I gooped the whole joint and then washed the adhesive from my ten fingers with the best available solvent, a bottle of bay rum. Mission accomplished!

Now there are lots of plumbing parts on a toilet, so teflon tape and silicone adhesive belong in any toilet-fixer's tool kit. So I'm appealing to teflon and silicone manufacturers to sponsor my blog. In exchange, I'll conspicuously use your product on each of my toilet fixes. I'll also wear your t-shirt in the pictures. Sound fair? Send me an email and let's get this PR party started!

Toilet Emergency Phrasebook: Western Hemisphere Ed.

As a service to my readers, I'm presenting this handy emergency phrasebook in the predominant languages of the Western Hemisphere.

English (US, Canada): Please, where is your toilet plunger?

Espanish (Mexico, Central and South America): ¿Dónde es tu tocador émbolo?

La French (Quebec): Où est votre toilette plongeur?

Portuguese (Brazil): Onde é seu toalete atuador? (Pron: "Blau blau blau!")

Let me know if this is useful! I could follow up with more guides in the future. For instance, 1) Central Europe, 2) your favorite Pacific Rim nations, and 3) the Indian Subcontinent (with 4000 languages, but only one kind of food: Indian).

Employee Suggestion Box

This is a Men's Room I recently visited in midtown. Note the infrared proximity detector that operates the flushing apparatus. Considering the fact that we're in the Men's Room, I would suggest upgrading to an automatic triple-flusher. Note also the can of Lysol on the bowl. This could be more automatic as well, methinks, but it's better than a pink urinal cake strapped to the side. B+