Fix My Toilet

Back After A Brief Hiatus

2010-03-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

To my fans:

I'm back.

I haven't posted anything about toilets in almost three years. Why not? Because life is long and difficult and full of things that easily surpass blogging in importance. Does that mean I wasn't out in the world fixing toilets? Of course not. (Are you kidding?)

Listen:

Some men are born to lead. Others, to follow. I am here to fix toilets, and I know this because wherever I go in this world, there is a toilet awaiting my attentions.

Here's the toilet in my apartment, now making its first appearance on the Internet. I woke up on Saturday last to find that my flapper chain was broken. I wasn't even able to leave the house that morning before needing to plunge my hands into the tank.

(Since I'm sure you're curious, those items on my tank lid are, from left to right, a turtle-shaped candle holder, pomade from Bumble & Bumble, and my favorite Burt's Bees hand salve.)

Fortunately, this was a pretty easy fix for a Saturday morning. I stopped at the local hardware store and bought a replacement chain for $1.49. At first the clerk insisted they weren't sold separately, but I don't take any guff when it comes to toilet parts. As if I wouldn't know they were sold separately...

I reattached the flapper to the flusher arm with the new chain, taking care to re-use the original foam floater ball to ensure a one-touch flush. Simple. Elegant. Effective.

And now my toilet (and my blog) are back in action. Stay tuned for more fixes because, as you all must surely realize, I can't outrun my destiny.

Stealth Toilet: Target Acquired

2007-10-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

I meant to blog about this fearsome item for quite a while, but I've waited so long that we no longer need fear. The local bar where I found this particular porcelain fixture in deepest, darkest, ray-gobbling black is now closed. What's the big idea, hey? How are you supposed to see this frickin' thing even when the lights are on? And heaven help you if you miss, because you're going home alone tonight. (Probably.)

Anyway, this location is now occupied by an establishment that offers "Japanese comfort food". We have no actionable intel on the bathroom fixtures (or the "comfort food", for that matter, although your blogger is a long-time fan of omelettes stuffed with fried rice). Here's hoping that they've got some of the fancy, high-tech commodes for which our foreign friends are well known. Stay tuned for visuals. Sayonara for now!

More Lavatory Panoramas

2007-08-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Since my recent post about the bathroom demolition, I've been confronted by a quantity of anguished wailing about nowhere to pee in the Access. While it is true that, for a time, there was nowhere to pee in the Access, there are now -- finally -- two places to pee in the Access. I obtained some exclusive panoramic photographs that give you basically no sense of what the bathrooms actually look like, except for the color.

1) The back bathroom by the dressing rooms has been rebuilt without a window or any charm. Hot water is anticipated. Ventilation is not. See below:

Scorecard
-Originality: C
-Style: D
-Usability: A (Who else has a can backstage? Mitzy Newhouse?)
-Preshow Accessability: B-
-Magazine Readability: C (During Performance) A+ (During office hours)
-Indispensability: A-

Cumulative Score: C

2) Meanwhile, the lobby bathroom has been daringly restyled by Stephen Speights and now features a chandelier; innovative, wall-mounted utility "cubes"; and the color "brown".

Scorecard
-Originality: A+
-Style: A
-Usability: B (Might benefit from a standard toilet paper holder)
-Indispensability: A
-Magazine Readability: D- (There's a line outside, I promise.)
-Brownness: A+

Cumulative Score: A

So if you were hesititating about coming to the Access because of the lack of bathrooms, you can go back to complaining about the stairs again. See you soon!

Better Bathrooms Every Day

2007-08-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

More news about the toilets in the Access!

1) I showed up last Sunday to scope the incremental, minor improvements in the bathrooms, and dangit if the first thing I hear is the sound of the dressing room toilet running. Have a look:

It's just crappy, bargain-basement hardware. You know, if the contractor realized he had access to a seasoned toilet semi-professional like myself, you'd think he'd have the sense to ask for guidance on good supplies and best practices. But no! Why not? Frickin' cheap! Well, I'll just have to keep clearing this flapper every other day. Makes for better blogging, I suppose.

2) Meantime, Speights showed his characteristically bold style by selecting this fancy chandelier for the lobby bathroom:

Note the smoky topaz crystal chains! Well, maybe you can't see it very well, but take my word for it: you'd want to hold a seance in there if there weren't twenty people behind the door trying to get in before the intermission ends. Still, fancy!!!

More changes coming, stay tuned!

Toilet Blog 2.0

2007-08-08T13:31:00.001-07:00

Hi everybody! Thanks for hanging on for me to catch up with the toilet blog. I'm forever in your debt. So here's the true story of why Fix My Toilet has been dormant for...wow, nearly a year.

Truth: I fixed all the toilets.

Seriously. I was even going around offering to fix people's toilets, but no one seemed to have any that needed fixing.

In addition to that, I'd always intended to refrain from writing silly stories that didn't refer to toilets, or random thoughts, or satirical observations about the New York theater scene. We get plenty of that shit from all over. What we don't have is blogs with practical advice for dealing with toilets. In the absence of busted toilets, what could I do?

Well, then this happened:

Forces beyond my control at Access Theater have conspired to bring our historically significant premises into compliance with the NYC building code. This is not a wholly bad thing, especially if you can't get around without a wheelchair. The first step was demolishing every trace of a the bathrooms on the 4th floor, where the theater is. Take a look at the panoramic view:

Goddammit. Yes, ladies and gentleman, there was once a bathroom here, complete with a toilet. Now, only barren nothingness.

But hang on! I must admit I was bitter at first, but I'm coming around. Stay tuned for more updates about the bathroom situation for the rest of the year. It's gonna be a wild ride!

Cheers!

Your hoohah is beautiful!

2006-11-06T08:21:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Phantasmaphile for this link--gorgeous, flower-shaped porcelain bathroom fixtures by San Francisco artist, Clark Sorenson. Click here for flower toilets.

I believe the artist's aim is an effect known among the ancient Greeks as antiprosopopoeia, or the depiction of a human as an inanimate object. Plainly he's trying to comment on likeness of these beautiful, bud-like toilets and your own hoohah by placing them in a spacial juxtaposition.

Or maybe it's semiprosopopoeia, since it's just a part of the human.

On the other hand, this might be regular prosopopoeia, since it's really a toilet posing as a flower. Whatever it is, it's prosogymnasmata, and that's for damn sure.

What the hell do I know? Two things only: that your private parts are like flowers, and how to fix a darn toilet.

But please, be careful not to slip and fall on the urinal shown above. Looks dangerous...

50 Ways to Break My Toilet

2006-11-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

In the mischevious spirit of the holiday and at Mr. Szymkowicz's behest, here are fifty (beginning with five) super-sly ways to break my toilet:

1. Disconnect the flusher chain from the flapper or the flusher arm. No flush!

2. Remove the flapper valve and hide it in the trash. Water runs forever!

3. Turn down the inlet cutoff valve. No water at all!

4. Break off the flush valve overflow tube. This was perpetrated by an interloper at the Access once. It can't be fixed without taking the whole goram tank off!

5. Stuff a big wad of TP down the flusher valve. Wreck the whole thing!

Now, these sabotages are for entertainment purposes only. If you pull any of these "tricks" on one of your friends, it's because you're a dick and it's not my fault. And if you try it on my toilet, I'mma bus' yo' shit UP!

Having said that, have fun! Stay tuned for the next forty-five!

Seeking Corporate Sponsorship!

2006-10-25T07:22:00.001-07:00

Hi, everybody. I'm sorry I haven't blogged about fixing a toilet lately. I really intended to write exclusively about fixing toilets, but to my surprise, there aren't many toilet issues cropping up lately.

In the meantime, I fixed the backstage slop sink at the Access on Monday night. I thought I'd take a moment to appreciate two special plumbing goodies: teflon tape and silicone adhesive. Anyway, the drain pipe was leaking and, upon closer inspection, I noticed that the 1 5/8" nut that attaches the drain to the tail piece had a bad fit.

Now there's nothing like teflon tape for fixing a problem like this. You just take a good length of tape, wrap it around the pipe threads in a contrary direction to the tightening of the nut, and even a poorly fitting nut becomes watertight.

Unfortunately, the tool room was a mess and I couldn't find any tape. Instead, I found a caulking gun with a tube of silicone adhesive. This works just as well as the teflon tape, but it's just a little messier. I gooped the whole joint and then washed the adhesive from my ten fingers with the best available solvent, a bottle of bay rum. Mission accomplished!

Now there are lots of plumbing parts on a toilet, so teflon tape and silicone adhesive belong in any toilet-fixer's tool kit. So I'm appealing to teflon and silicone manufacturers to sponsor my blog. In exchange, I'll conspicuously use your product on each of my toilet fixes. I'll also wear your t-shirt in the pictures. Sound fair? Send me an email and let's get this PR party started!

Art Imitates Life (What Else?)

2006-10-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

I want to thank Professor of the Drama, Dr. Floyd Britchcraft for this delightful new play, wherein a benevolent toilet-fixer based on yours truly banishes the devil from a haunted toilet.

Interestingly enough, this piece was inspired by an actual incident from my experience as a building superintendent, in which I replaced a rusted flusher arm for the francophone family on the fourth floor.

The devil wasn't actually in the toilet, however; he was waiting for me out in the hall.

Much gratitude to you, esteemed Dr. Britchcraft. Please send my love to your mother and the kitties, little Mittens, Spelt, and Prue.

Toilet Emergency Phrasebook: Western Hemisphere Ed.

2006-10-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

As a service to my readers, I'm presenting this handy emergency phrasebook in the predominant languages of the Western Hemisphere.

English (US, Canada): Please, where is your toilet plunger?

Espanish (Mexico, Central and South America): ¿Dónde es tu tocador émbolo?

La French (Quebec): Où est votre toilette plongeur?

Portuguese (Brazil): Onde é seu toalete atuador? (Pron: "Blau blau blau!")

Let me know if this is useful! I could follow up with more guides in the future. For instance, 1) Central Europe, 2) your favorite Pacific Rim nations, and 3) the Indian Subcontinent (with 4000 languages, but only one kind of food: Indian).

Bad Motor Flusher!

2006-10-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

As I promised on Friday, I attacked the flusher problem on my own toilet with the kind of ferocity that befits a toilet barbarian like myself. I'm happy to report that the flusher now fires like a cannon at the slightest pressure on the flush handle.

The problem was somewhat different than I anticipated. Instead of an air-pocket flapper, the flush is actuated by a non-buoyant flat-flapper and an attached foam "floater", a contraption that I haven't encountered before. I also noticed that the flusher arm is offset diagonally from the handle rotation, which reduces the mechaniacal advantage of the flusher arm and makes the precise tuning of the chain length a particularly important factor.

I adjudged the foam floater to be an eco-friendly modification that allows the flapper to close before the tank is empty, thereby reducing overall flush volume; I raised the floater position to save a little more water, because I care about the enviroment. (Earth: Love it or leave it.) I also lowered the valve arm by loosening the nylon nut on the adjusting joint and choosing a more simpatico position for the floater ball.

Then I removed the ball-chain from the clip on the flusher arm and shortened the free chain length until the flapper was just barely closed--essentially giving my flusher handle a "hair-trigger". Finally, I closed up the patient and performed a few trial flushes. Success! My toilet is now a high-performance, hot-roddin', fast-flushin', waste-evacuatin' machine with improved per-flush water economy. Fool, you can't touch this!

On a personal note: my father visited my blog for the first time this weekend. This was particularly poignant for him, since he has always claimed to be responsible for my "crappy sense of humor" (no pun intended). As much as I yearn for his approval, I don't think there's anything funny about how totally supreme I am at fixing toilets...period. So stop laughing.

Big Weekend Plans!

2006-10-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday night's alright for fighting! We have a situation with the toilet in me and the missus' new apartment. You have to hold the handle down for a five-count before the flushing begins in earnest.

My theory is that we've got an air-pocket style flapper and an extra long chain, meaning that it's taking some time for the flapper to open wide enough for a strong waterflow through the flush valve. The chain is the ball-link style-- familiar to most from military dogtag chains or raver jewelry-- as opposed to the more familiar chain-link, so it's a little tricker to shorten.

It's a good thing I live there instead of someone else. Oh--and also that I have the whole weekend to fix it. Tune in on Monday! I'll let you know how it went.

Employee Suggestion Box

2006-10-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

This is a Men's Room I recently visited in midtown. Note the infrared proximity detector that operates the flushing apparatus. Considering the fact that we're in the Men's Room, I would suggest upgrading to an automatic triple-flusher. Note also the can of Lysol on the bowl. This could be more automatic as well, methinks, but it's better than a pink urinal cake strapped to the side. B+

Crapgate: House Official Implicated in Sordid Photo Scandal

2006-10-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

Flushes with Coyotes stirred up some controversy over yesterday's post by claiming that the linked photo was actually an image of someone else's toilet. Confession: I am a Gay American. Also, I borrowed a picture of a toilet from Flickr as a placeholder until I was able to get the actual image off of my camera-phone. I'm so sorry.

In point of fact, the toilet was running and evidentally had been doing so for weeks. The problem was verifiably resolved as reported in the post. Any statements to the contrary are, as Condoleeza Rice would say, flatly false.

Some figures in the administration claim to have notified the proper authorities according to prescribed procedures; this is also untrue. It appears that the critical situation was effectively covered up by certain individuals who have more secrets to hide. Like other "controversies" that Access Management has deposited in the back bathroom, this incident will continue to stink the place up until full accountability has been established.

So here's some wisdom for you to squat over, Flushes: "He who faked it, baked it."

Dressing room toilet running (for weeks!)

2006-10-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

Here's the dressing room toilet behind the stage space at the Access. Stephen text messaged me with a report that it had been running (silent, solitary, alone), possibly for weeks. I took the tank lid off and noted that the flusher chain was unusually long and was dangling into the flusher valve, which prevented the Flapper from making a good seal. So water had been flowing from the inlet through the flusher without ever filling the tank completely. I shortened the chain by looping the free end back onto the flusher rod. Problem solved! Then I had the idea for this blog. Get ready for more excitement!